This marks the start of Common Tests 2

I am tired already. Today is the start of Common Test 2 2012 for myself and I had two English papers today. I decided to write about “Happiness” as a narrative piece, making use of the short thingamajig I wrote two days back about freedom. Though my essay may have strayed from the theme of “Happiness” and also been rather messy, i.e. I didn’t have any idea what I was writing on, I just rambled on and on and on…

I said that happiness could be very subjective, that different people have varying perceptions on what happiness meant. To this particular man, happiness meant to be able to spend time with his family and to be released from jail. Like I said, my essay kind of strayed from happiness, in the sense that I didn’t write about how he was happy, but instead how he could have been happier and the regret he faced. Also, a couple of years later upon his release, only then did he truly feel happy. And yeah it’s true, isn’t it? That everyone has their own definition of happiness.

Not like I really know what makes me happy yet but whatever.

Moving on, I have suddenly realised that this is to be my first examinations without A.Maths, ever since I had dropped the subject some time ago this year when I really couldn’t cope with it any more. Chinese papers are tomorrow and I just hope it passes by quickly and that I am able to get alright marks. Social Studies exam on Friday and all the others are during the following(?) week, during 8-11 May.

Time to sleep.

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Freedom

Ulysses wringed his grimy hands in despair as memories of the past suddenly flooded his mind. Oh, how he wished none of this ever happened and he was leading a normal life. What was freedom? He no longer knew of freedom. The freedom that once belonged to him had been cruelly snatched away from him before his very own eyes. He yearned to escape. He longed to get out of this never-ending misery. Yet, he knew that this situation was nothing but a result of his own faults.

The bed sounded a faint creaky noise as he adjusted his position on the bed to a more comfortable one. The mattress was gross, by no doubt. It had an odd feeling to it that he never got used to, even though it had been years since he entered this prison cell. He stared blankly at the chipped paint that had been peeling off from the walls for the longest time. He wondered what his life would have been now if he had not been so foolish back then; His life now has been reduced to that of a caged bird, one that was deprived of the freedom it had had.

Ulysses had not met his daughter ever since the day he entered the prison cell. He picked up the precious photograph that had started to yellow slightly, carefully handling it. It was a picture of his wife, along with his baby daughter. Well, at least his daughter was still a baby when he last saw her. The youthfulness of his wife and daughter were frozen in the photo; years have since passed since this photograph had been taken and time must have had an effect on them already.

He felt so sorry for his wife and his daughter. How hard his wife must have worked to raise their daughter single-handedly, while he being the husband and traditionally expected to bring home to bacon was stuck behind these cold metal bars for what seemed like eternity. His daughter too, must have had a hard time growing up without a father, or rather, without even knowing the fact that her father was very well alive despite her mother hiding the fact that her father was a prisoner.

-tbc-

Experiencing Grief

The death of someone you know makes you backtrack. All the while hoping that the first step forward will yield a new path. #blonote 20100112

Grief: It is a reaction to a major loss and most often an unhappy and painful emotion.

My paternal grandfather was diagnosed with lung cancer in 2011 and it was probably due to the fact that he had been a smoker for such a  long time, habitually smoking his way through many cigarettes every day. He passed away at the beginning of 2012 and this was the first ever experience I had of a close relative passing away. It has definitely left a deep impact on me.

It was on 10 August 2011 or so when I found out about his illness. We were at an aunt’s home for a National Day gathering of sorts and I was sitting in a conversation my father was having with some of my uncles and aunts about a tumour in my grandfather’s lung. They noticed that something was up recently and brought him for a check-up. As such, they discovered that there was a tumour in his lung. The results were not out yet, though it was probably malignant. Grandfather knew about the tumour but he kinda had this mindset that he was healthy and all that so it was unlikely that he had cancer.

In between then and end-November, his condition was becoming worse. Obviously, he knew that he had lung cancer already. It was stage 4 if I am not wrong. The last few weeks of December were when his condition started to deteriorate even faster. He was in and out of the hospital a few times and I visited him at his home often too. He became bed-bound and his feet had become swollen. It was so heart-wrenching to see my grandfather in such a state.

He was on a one-way road to death and I knew the end was near. I didn’t know how soon, but his time was never up and never again the future would I be able to see him. It suddenly struck me with how life could be so unpredictable. Death was inevitable for him, then, and it hurt to realize that I wouldn’t be able to see him again.

But as hard as it was for me, as a granddaughter, I suppose the pain that people like my father and grandmother felt would be even more so worse. I cannot imagine how they coped with seeing the one you loved slowly inch towards the border between our world and the afterlife, so painfully. Nevertheless, I thought that if it was really his time to go, then perhaps it’d be better than him living yet suffering from this disease. Anyway, death is part and parcel of life I suppose? Eventually, everyone will pass on; no one can live forever, it’s just a matter of time and fate.

He left this world on 2 January 2012. I personally wasn’t present at that time, even though I was at my grandparents’ home around 30 minutes before. An aunt who did nursing before said that it was likely that he was going to pass away on that day or pretty soon and called for an advanced reunion dinner gathering at my grandparents’ home just so that most of his children and grandchildren would be present and visit him. Turned out she was correct.

Dear Ah Gong,

I may have been just another of your grandchildren and not particularly close to you. but you were the only grandfather I ever had. May you rest in peace ♥

Your granddaughter

If anyone is reading this, I also strongly urge you to quit smoking or persuade your loved ones to do so if you or they smoke. My maternal grandfather passed away long time ago from lung cancer cos he smoked opium. Not that it makes any difference, it’s still smoking right? Treasure your loved ones and well, that’s all for now.

A New Beginning

It is 21 March 2012.

The past has gone but the future has yet come. What lies ahead, I don’t know yet. Though I do know that what determines my future is in my hands and I’m going to take the O-levels exams this year so it’s totally inappropriate to start blogging or anything that bothers with my studying. Nevertheless, I think this may be a good place for me to just express my thoughts and feelings and all the craziness that’s about to happen in my life this year.

The truth is; I’m horribly stressed out already. I can’t handle stress well yet I place so much unnecessary stress on myself even though other people don’t have sky-high expectations of me.

Ah whatever. Study time.